Perfectly Imperfect--For Now.

 Confession: I didn't write last week.  I got overwhelmed trying to decide what to talk about so I just kept putting it off and hoping for inspiration to strike.  Then I started feeling like a failure because I had a self-imposed deadline that I was probably going to miss, and I thought about how some of you might notice and be like "Wow, she only made it two weeks before she started screwing up."

And that sounded like inspiration to me.  So here I sit, the morning after my self-imposed deadline, hiding from the kids that I just decided yesterday I wanted to reprioritize, drinking a Pepsi which I decided to give up two weeks ago.

Let's talk about perfection.

Sometimes the church is accused of having a culture of perfection that is too hard to bear.  That’s true.  Some people place a premium on being perfect—the perfect hair, boobs, kids, house, job, calling, and mommy blog.  Perfection is measured by whether you attend all of your church meetings or have tattoos or whether you dress modestly. That sort of toxic quest for visible perfection is not unique to the church, but it becomes even more toxic when you start believing that those supposed signs of being perfect correlate with a spiritual and moral perfection.  I’d argue that some people don’t have a perfection problem so much as an authenticity problem, but that’s a story for another day.

Being perfect is a commandment.  As Jesus said in his sermon on the mount, “Be ye therefore perfect even as my Father in heaven is perfect” (Matthew 5:48).  We are commanded multiple times in the scriptures to be perfect. It's kind of daunting, especially when we are so very clearly not.

Latter Day Saints believe that we chose to come to this earth to gain physical experience and be spiritually refined through free agency and the resulting consequences.  The ultimate end goal of this plan is that we will become more like our Heavenly Parents.  The commandment to be perfect is not so much a checklist as it is a destination.  Just as gold is refined through heat and time, people are refined through trials and time. Change happens only through discomfort and challenge and intentional choices.  

Therefore the emphasis on immediate temporal perfection is misplaced.  It can do so much more harm than good because, if you’re like me, you’re acutely aware of where you fall short.  It’s easier to see your failures than your victories, and they seem to carry more weight. 

It’s even harder when people hold you to a preconceived standard. Latter Day Saints are supposed to be somehow better, and there are some members and non-members alike who are quick to point out shortcomings and mistakes. Well, I’ve yet to meet a perfect person or a perfect member.  I have, however, met a lot of good people who also make mistakes.

The same applies to leaders in the Church.  While they are not above criticism, some members fixate on their imperfections, mistakes, and even failures as proof that the gospel and revelation are not possibly true, or that they need to be corrected.  This is just a natural extension of the belief that a person’s actions prove or disprove their supposed creed.

In his excellent talk “Be Ye Therefore Perfect—Eventually” Jeffrey Holland shares references a work by Tolstoy in which a priest is criticized by a member of his fold for not living as perfectly as he should; the critic asserts that, because of the priest’s failures, the principles that he taught must not be true.

“In response […] the priest says: “Look at my life now and compare it to my former life.  You will see that I am trying to live out the truth I proclaim. […] Attack me, I do this myself, but [don’t] attack the path…I follow…If I know the way home [but] am walking along it drunkenly, is it any less the right way simply because I am staggering from side to side?”

While this does not excuse actions that actively hurt someone, it is a reminder not to confuse the people for the gospel.  They will eventually be the same, but we’re all still working on it. The leaders are on the same path we are.  It’s often quoted in the church that “by their fruits, ye shall know them.” That’s true, but I feel like it should also be more of a personal focus.  Are the gospel and my imperfect attempts to live it yielding fruits in my life?  It’s less about where other people are on the path and more about where I am. Getting stuck on superficial perfections (or imperfections) can lead us to overlook actions and intentions of actual consequence.  Joseph Smith Junior once said, “I love that man better who swears a stream as long as my arm yet deals justice to his neighbors and mercifully deals his substance to the poor, than the long, smooth-faced hypocrite.” We need to avoid pharisaical perfection or expectations.  The Church and gospel are not a bunch of benchmarks to measure how close you are to perfection, but tools to help you on the way.

So how do we move towards perfection?  Mostly, by acknowledging that we aren't perfect--and that we don't quit trying.  J. Golden Kimball was an apostle back in the late 1800s and early 1900s.  He was famously known as the “Swearing Apostle” and for his struggle to avoid drinking coffee.  He joked, “Hell, they can’t excommunicate me.  I repent too damn fast.”

Repentance—the act of taking accountability for a mistake, doing your best to correct it, and then trying again—is a crucial part of the refinement process.  We need to be careful not to spiral when we seem to be stuck.  After all, “it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength” (Mosiah 4:27).  We need to extend ourselves some grace.  Some problems and situations take time.  There is no switch to shut off alcohol or sex addiction.  You can’t just take a supplement and do some stretches and suddenly not be wrathful or thoughtless or judgmental.  You can’t wish yourself into forgiving someone.  It takes intention and effort.  Sometimes it takes years, even decades, of failing and picking yourself up and trying again, and you don’t know how far you’ve come until you look back where you were.  A friend of mine likes to remind me that, in painting as well as life, that to FAIL is just the First Attempt In Learning.  We learn through failure and grow based on our response to it. 

One last thought I had about perfection comes from The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis.  It involves the experiences of souls who travel from what they think is purgatory up to heaven.  In heaven, they are little more than shadows; the grass feels like glass under their feet, the colors are blinding, and even the softest rain could shred them into pieces.  They are met by people who are solid and strong and walk where the spirits creep.  The spirits are invited to journey over the mountains towards the distant light.  They protest that they can’t stay in this this beautiful but painful world; they are promised that, though the pain will be terrible, it will grow less with every step towards the light, and in the meantime the people will do whatever they can to help short of carrying the spirits.  The journey is what will give the spirits strength and make them fit to stay there.  Most of the spirits, out of pride or fear of pain, return to hell. Those who stay become perfect—eventually.

I’m not perfect.  I’m an impatient mother and a lazy writer.  I take board games and criticism a little too seriously.  I tend to not reach out to friends for months at a time.  Sometimes I'm a coward.  As a Latter Day Saint I struggle with anger, pride, and forgiveness.  I’ve condemned others and been less than charitable.  I’ve struggled with church activity in the past.  And dammit, I want another Pepsi.  But when I look back to where I was, there is one hell of a distance between where I started and where I am now--and there has been joy along the way.  So I’m going to give myself a little grace, take a breather, and keep walking.

Be Ye Therefore Perfect—Eventually (churchofjesuschrist.org)